


The Necessity of Touch

by theweddingofthefoxes



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, reference to past child abuse, sex anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 11:12:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13212543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theweddingofthefoxes/pseuds/theweddingofthefoxes
Summary: Hux takes a week off work to recover after his car accident. In the time he's off, he can take some time to learn a little bit more about touch starvation, and a little bit more about himself.





	The Necessity of Touch

**Author's Note:**

> A sequel to [Affection](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10593864)! Read it first!

On the doctor's orders, Hux has emptied everything out of this week's page of his digital calendar. Well. No. Not emptied. Moved. His meetings and projects have been rescheduled, for the following week, or the week after. The blank-white of this scoured week is blinding. The only words here now are the days of the week, unshackled. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. So on. 

The damage from the car accident was quite minimal, Hux was told. A stiff back. "Take the week off," she had told him. Normally, Hux would be reluctant to the point of argumentative, trying to find some loophole that would allow him to escape back into the workplace. After the night he had spent with Ren, though, he is less bullheaded. He'd accepted her prescription for low-level painkillers and gotten back into his aunt Rae's car. 

"All right?" she had asked.

"All right," he'd answered.

She didn't touch him or hug him, that wasn't her way -- but she had wordlessly put her Lexus into drive, pulled out of the doctor's office and into the Dairy Queen drive-thu, where she had ordered him a chicken strip basket and an Oreo Blizzard, paid with a fifty and pressed the change into his hands. Just like when he was a kid.

There is not a sliver of doubt in his mind that he would not have made it to adulthood without Rae. Not in one piece. She has done so much for him that he can never repay, more than just the car, the gifts, and he will never doubt it for a moment. She wouldn't even accept one of the chicken strips. "That's yours," she said, clipped but with an indulgent little smile. 

But there is one thing that Ren has given him that Rae never could. 

Hux ordered the book on Amazon Prime the night that he'd stayed at Ren's place. They hadn't done anything but kiss, and touch. Ren didn't fall asleep, exactly, but had drowsed in the big-spoon position. Hux had lain there, savoring and savoring, hardly daring to ask for more after all he had received, and then Ren murmured, "Is Millie okay?" and Hux had to admit he'd better head back so he could give her some food. 

Surrender to desperate relaxation doesn't magically turn a type A into something else. By the time they had gone out the door, gotten back into Ren's Mustang, Hux had already made his appointment with his GP, texted Rae to get a ride to it, emailed the rental car place to set up a meeting, and purchased the book that the psychologist had been promoting on the talk show he'd watched. He'd sent his boss an email explaining the situation, too, and by the time he walked through the door of his own place, his boss had already messaged him back -- _My God, Armitage, of course you can have a week. We'll see you Monday. Work from home a little bit, but we'll boot you if we have to..._

How could people be so kind? It was like a veil had been lifted from his eyes, seeing so many people, his coworkers, his aunt, Ren, all of them leap to his aid when--when something happened that wasn't even life or death. 

_It doesn't have to be life or death to matter..._

Ren had said that, while they were together. While he was in Ren's arms.

"How about I drop by on Tuesday, Tidge?" Ren had asked, when he was letting Hux out. It had taken so much longer to work his way out of the car seat. "I get off early that day, so I'll come by and we'll, um...? We'll do something?"

Hux smiled at that. 

"I'll see you then."

"Whatever you like."

That's the first thing Hux puts on his empty calendar. Tuesday. Ren.

Slowly, the rest of his week begins to take shape. The doctor's appointment, the pharmacy, the rental car company. Rae wants to take him to lunch on Thursday. He adds that to the calendar too. 

On Monday afternoon, the book he ordered arrives. _The Necessity of Touch_. He tears open the bubble mailer, settles in his armchair in the most comfortable position he can manage, and starts to leaf through it. One section in particular catches his eye. 

_It's easy to think that the die is cast if you were not given a lot of loving touch, or much in the way of touch at all, as a child. But that's simply not true. It's never too late to introduce more comforting touch into your life, and there are so many ways to do it. Scheduling services like massage can be a great, low-stakes introduction to letting yourself be touched for an extended period of time (and there are many benefits to massage, too!). Animals are another way to introduce loving touch into your life. If you don't have a pet at home, like a cat, dog, or hamster, many animal shelters welcome volunteers who come to pet an interact with the adoptable animals._

Millicent! The cat's on the ottoman now, fast asleep. He remembers bringing her home as a kitten, after Ren had told him the local shelter was waiving adoption fees. She was no bigger than a softball and she was so soft, he'd held her to his chest the first night he had her home, amazed that anything might come towards him, seeking warmth....

_Friends are another source of intimate touch -- and remember, there are many forms of intimacy! Yes, sexual intimacy is wonderful, especially with a partner who understands that attentive, purposeful touch is something that you need. But intimacy also comes from comfort and from camaraderie. Having independent methods to soothe and help yourself are vital. But humans are a social species, and if you have had a cold upbringing, know that the desire to be physically attended to is not weakness -- it's a trait of our species..._

Hux sets down the book, feeling pierced straight through. Is this woman psychic? A memory seeps up through the basement of his brain. He doesn't remember his mom now, not at this age, but he remembers missing her when he was very young, maybe six or seven. He'd made the mistake of letting his father know that he wanted her back, he missed her. His dad gave him a rough shake, hard enough that his teeth clacked, he could _still_ hear that clack when he remembered it. "No more of this," his father had growled. "No more. Not another word." After that, Hux had scampered off to his room, and thought -- fervent, passionate, decisive -- that he would comfort himself from now on, he wouldn't ever do a thing like that again. 

And so he'd done. It had been much easier when Rae had come into his life, not long after, and seen him, the real him. Who had given him ice cream every week, and a toy fox after he'd shyly boasted to her he had gotten an A on a project about foxes. But it hadn't stopped him from thinking of being held as something he would never quite achieve -- or, hell, deserve. 

His phone buzzes in his pocket, and the leather chair magnifies the sound so much that Millicent wakes up and swivels her head around, looking for what she seems to assume is a swarm of invading bees.

_Looks like I'll be out around 1 tomorrow. I'll swing by Starbucks, yeah?_

The calendar for Tuesday has only one thing on it, and that's Ren's name.

_You're too good, my God._

_Sounds like a yes._

The desire to be physically attended to is not weakness...

  


Ren's first comment, coming in with the drinks, is about the rental car. Hux had taken a Lyft earlier that day to go pick it up. It's a pastel-blue two-door Yaris, as unlike his beloved gift from Rae as it gets. 

"Tidge, you got like, a clown car." Ren settles down on the couch next to him. Before the accident, Ren might have sat a good foot or two away, one leg tucked under him as he spread out, taking up as much room as he could without getting close enough to brush against. Now, he sits just shy of directly in Hux's lap. It seems to delight him that he has permission to get closer, to be _touchy_. He hands the chai to Tidge, brushing his fingers purposefully. Each of these little interactions throws a dazzle of heat up Tidge's body, like those little Fourth of July sparklers. "Don't bother taking me out in it, I'm not gonna fit."

"It's not _that_ small!"

"You'd have to break me in half to get me into that car."

"Then let's stay in," Hux says, teasing. 

"What, you don't want to go neck in the woods in the Mustang?"

That heat floods up and down in Hux's body like a lava lamp, the blood seeming to rush and collect in both his head and his groin. He tries to parry back: "Are we high schoolers now? Maybe if we're lucky, we'll be menaced by a man with a hook for a hand."

"Oh, I hear he's been murdering teenagers left and right, 'round these parts," Ren answers, grinning. He nudges his own drink into Hux's cup in a lazy toast. "All right then. We'll spend the day in. How are you feeling?"

"Not so bad. Tight, mostly. Putting my arms back is the worst...." He demonstrates, shifting his elbows down and out and wincing. 

"So no aerobics or anything today."

"None today."

"Maybe just TV."

"God, yes."

Hux is still scrolling through the Netflix titles when Ren adds, trying to sound casual but not quite hitting that mark -- "Maybe just kiss, too?"

The heat inside Hux electrifies, swells, practically shoots out of his fingertips. He shifts where he sits, the remote limp in his hand, so he can face Ren better. There's a hopeful look in Ren's face, one that Hux has seen in Millicent's face when Hux is making himself a tuna fish sandwich. Something pure and wanting, expectant but not demanding. It is thrilling in its strangeness, the manifestation of everything Hux has wanted for so long. 

"Yeah," he says. "Yeah, that too."

Ren is so worried he'll hurt Hux's neck, or cause him to twist in some way that's not comfortable, so he starts off almost comically gentle, but when Hux presses closer he understands he can go up a notch. His hands -- God, his hands....they're on Hux's sides, then one is up on Hux's shoulder, and the other one is on his thigh. Respectful, not yanking at his jeans or anything, but enough to let Hux know how badly he is wanted. How skillfully Ren rides this line! It's enough to get Hux to swing his leg inelegantly over Ren's knee so they're facing one another truly, Ren's eyes gleaming.

They haven't even chosen a show to watch yet -- the screen is still on the list of options, but neither of them particularly care about that. Remotes and drinks are set aside, uncared for, there's too much to be done, there's too much touching to do. Ren makes the most delicious low little groan when Hux kisses his ear. 

"Oh--that's good?"

"You found the _spot_ , Tidge."

"The spot?"

"What's your spot?"

"I don't even know if I have one."

"Mm." Ren straightens a bit. "Maybe you just don't know if you haven't been, uh. Touched a lot."

"Maybe you can find it."

Ren buries his face in Hux's neck, kissing at it with teeth and tongue and intent. He can feel Ren getting hard, against him, and that sensation is utterly breathtaking. Muffled, against Hux's skin, he mumbles:

"God--you're, Tidge, you're..."

The affection on Ren's face as he pulls back is naked, and it makes Hux so happy that he cannot explain why he feels the sudden and overwhelming urge to cry. 

"Tidge? I'm sorry-- I didn't mean to..."

"No, no, you don't have to be sorry..."

"You looked sad, all of a sudden."

"Not sad, just surprised..."

Ren kisses him softly again, to the side of his mouth. "What's a surprise?"

Hux gives a nervous laugh, one that sounds a little bit like a sob, too. "I didn't think you'd want this."

"You in my lap?"

"Me--period."

Ren touches Hux's hair, and Hux barrels on. "God, look at me, I've been a--gigantic crybaby, from Saturday on...I didn't want you to deal with--"

"Tidge, I'm gonna stop you. Gonna stop you right there. I'm not 'dealing' with anything. Certainly not you." He tucks a lock of hair behind Hux's ear. "First of all, you're not actually crying right now, you know. But it--it doesn't _matter_ , Armitage. You can cry all you need to, I mean....there's probably a lot you're...letting yourself work on now." He balances his arms on Hux's shoulders and threads his fingers together, loosely hanging on around Hux's neck. "Tell me if that hurts, okay? But, um. I spent a really long time imagining that you'd want to do things like this, and now you are, and I'm really happy--and I want you to be happy, yeah?"

"I am...."

"And you should be. You should be happy. You deserve it."

"I am. I'm happy now, even if--fuck, even if I look sad..." He gives another shaky laugh. "I don't know what to do with myself now that I have you. I'm so behind. I don't know what my spot is or--anything. I don't know what I like yet."

"Tidge, holy shit. Slow down." Ren sounds like he means it, and Hux trails off. "I don't hold it against you that--that you're still learning. It's not a mark against you."

"I want to fuck you--"

"Whoa, okay--"

"No, wait, listen, I'm not done. I mean. What I mean. I want to fuck you, you're so beautiful, but I also just want to be near you, and I was scared, I didn't know until Saturday that I could..." Hux leans in closer, like he's about to tell Ren a secret. "That was a lot, huh?"

"I think you've kept a lot of stuff inside for a long time."

"I've had a lot of fantasies about you. Is that okay?"

"God almighty, Tidge. The things you ask." He kisses Hux's cheek. "I've had a lot of fantasies about you, too. I want to hear about yours. Anytime you want to tell me."

"In my fantasies, I can--ask for anything."

"That's reality, you goof."

"Do you mean it?"

"Well, God. Within reason." Another kiss, loud and wet and so--present, so real. "If you have something really fucked up in mind, talk it over with me first, but...Tidge,if you want to kiss, or--whatever. Just tell me. And I can find your spot. If you like."

Hux wobbles on the edge of wanting to cry once again, but then Ren unhooks his fingers and rakes his fingers through Hux's hair, which is un-gelled for once, loose and ready for it. It steers his emotions into a new lane, and he feels excited now, able to see all of the potential that lies before them. 

"We have all day, don't we?"

"Think of your back," Ren mock-warns, grinning. 

There is so much they can do, though, even thinking of his back. There is the whole world before them, there is a feast of Ren laid out on the table for Hux to eat with his fingers. Even if the going is slow, there is plenty to be had, and all the time in the world. An empty schedule, waiting to be filled, and a willing partner whose hands feel so, so good.

**Author's Note:**

> I have gotten more notes and kind messages about Affection than any other story I've ever written. That story really seemed to reach something in people, and it makes me really feel good when they tell me that it meant a lot to them. I decided it was high time to go a little further with it.
> 
> As with Affection, the psychology is all from Google, so take it with a grain of salt. Please see a professional instead of getting psych advice from a fanfic.


End file.
